


and she believed her

by slut_for_jan_and_trixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Angsty angsty angst, F/F, Fluff, One Shot, jackie is a cinnamon roll, jan is tortured, poor children, poor jan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:41:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23512408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slut_for_jan_and_trixya/pseuds/slut_for_jan_and_trixya
Summary: Jan loves Jackie, and Jackie loves Jan. But things are never that simple, are they?
Relationships: Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	and she believed her

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to give me any feedback at all

It really was a normal day. Like a genuinely normal day. Somebody on the soccer team accidentally kicked a ball into Jan’s face and she got an A+ on her maths paper but it was genuinely, genuinely a normal day. No fighting, no yelling, so world cracking into tiny pieces. Just a day where the good is good and the bad is bad. There is no adversity to conquer, no glory to bask in. Simple days where you are still climbing the mountain of normality on the way to success. All it takes is a day without panic attacks, without psychotic breakdowns, without a pain so piercing that Jan is sobbing with all the force her tiny body can muster into her pillow. Days where the world is running the way it was created to. Days where you are just another person living the life they were meant to. Days where you realize the woman you are in love with and currently dating has made a terrible, dire mistake.

But sometimes it’s the normal days. A normal day where Jackie still holds her hand when she sees her eyes glaze. A day where Jackie still kisses her forehead and reassures her that she is never leaving. A day where Jackie was the most beautiful person in the world and it’s completely natural. A day where Jackie calms the ever-growing chaos in Jan’s mind with a simple smile. A day where Jackie is too good for this world. Let alone Jan. A day where Jan realized Jackie had made a mistake.

Jan has known her share of mistakes in her life. She was born a mistake, her mother taken from this world by mistake. She is a 17-year-old girl with a grieving father who killed his wife and crippled himself by mistake. He had left Jan with an unshakable fear of cars by mistake. Jan had met Jackie, underneath bleachers cheering for the opposite team at a soccer match by mistake. They had kissed in the shower of the girls changing room by mistake. Jan had fallen in love with Jackie’s voice, Jackie’s face, Jackie’s soul by mistake. But Jackie. Jackie has make a mistake yet. Not until now. Not until now where she’s staring into Jan’s heart and leaving her fingerprints there. Staring at her with nothing but devotion and an unshakable, undeniable love. A love that Jackie cannot have for Jan. Jackie cannot love Jan. Jan is unlovable. With PTSD, anxiety, depression; the only remnants of her mother that Jan has. There is no way in hell she will allow Jackie to love her. Jackie deserves someone sane. Someone normal. Someone healthy. Someone who doesn’t call her at 2:00 am sobbing clinging on to every word she like it’s a life float in a storm. She deserves somebody who can help her without drowning her. That is what Jan is doing. Drowning her. Jan loves Jackie far too much to pull her down in this abyss of sorrow that she constantly swims in. Jan loves Jackie too much to savor that look in her eye right now. To exist with Jackie simply as parallel beings in love. To intertwine their souls in a way that is irreversible and undoable. No. Jan can’t do this. She can’t do this to Jackie. She has to break up with her. No matter the initial pain. The initial hatred. She cannot turn Jackie into the hollow bitter shell of a human being that she has become.

But she’s so beautiful. Sitting there on the bleachers in the scarlet cheerleader uniform that drives Jan insane, her hair brushed onto her left side, tangled by the wind, her hand in Jan’s. She is beautiful. She is perfect. She is everything that Jan wants and everything that Jan can’t have. Her chestnut eyes that have a spark instead that grows and grows and grows, Jan will not dull that spark. Her lips, so pink yet so tender. Her skin, honey gold like the blood of the gods. Jackie is everything.

Jan bites her lip and Jackie cocks her head to the side, evidently noticing her distress.

“Baby?” Jackie asks her voice like a cool balm to the fire that rages in Jan’s mind. “Are you okay? What’s on your mind?” Jan withdraws her hand and a look of hurt flashes in Jackie’s eyes.

“Jackie…”

“Yes?”

“I am so sorry.”

“For what, Jan? You’ve done nothing wrong.” She reaches for Jan’s shoulder and begins to pull her into a tight embrace. No. Jan has to do this.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Jackie freezes. Her blood running cold and Jan bites her lip tighter, tasting the blood in her mouth. She has to do this. It will hurt Jackie but it is inevitable.

“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore.”

“I can’t do this with you anymore, I’m so sorry.”

“Am I going to fast, am I pushing you too hard? What am I doing wrong, I’ll change it. I promise you. I know I haven’t said it yet but I-“

“Don’t say that.” Jackie’s eyes well up with tears.

“Jan.”

“I know what you want to say, and it is because I love you that I am doing this.”

“How is breaking my heart, loving me? How?” Her voice breaks. Even in this state, she is still kind. Still soft, ever-patient and ever eager just to love. She is a kind soul. A precious one.

“Imagine a black hole. It sucks everything into it and destroys it. A black hole was once a star then something happened. Something very very bad happened.” A tear begins to form in the corner of Jan’s eye.

“Jan, baby. Come here. Come here. Please let me hold you, baby. Please let me hold you.” No. Jan can’t fall for this. But Jackie scoot closer and Jan gives in. Sobbing into the girl’s heart as her body heaves and Jackie embraces Jan, holding her like they are the only two people in the world. Like there is nobody else in the world who matters and nobody else who ever will. And she sobs like she always does. All the pain inside her pouring out leaving her drained and empty.

“Jan, I love you. You love me. Please, please, please, tell me why you want to break up.”

“That’s the whole point. A relationship can’t just be me falling into pieces and waiting for you to pick them up. I can’t throw all my baggage on you and expect you to heavyweight lift it. I love you, Jackie, you don’t deserve my pain. I’m not doing to that to you.” Jackie takes her hand and very gently, she tilts Jan’s gaze to meet her own. The two women sit there, mirroring one another, two halves of a whole.

“Do you know what my first thought was when I met you. I was cheering at this game and all I could think about. All that was in my stupid-“

“Don’t call yourself stupid.” Jackie chuckles

“In my head was this beautiful, gorgeous girl who was playing on the opposite team and all I wanted to do was root for her instead. Everything about you felt right. Feels right. Everything about you, the good, the bad, the ugly. I want all of it. I want you in all of it. There is not a part of you that I don’t want. All the tears, all your pain. If I could take away the voices in your head and replace them with my own, I would tell you how calm you make me feel. You make me feel like I can do everything. With you, I feel invincible and nothing can hurt me. So all I feel is calm. And all I want is you.”

“But-“

“No buts, you’re thinking so loud, the lady down the street can hear you. You are not worthless. You are priceless. You are everything and I promise you will drag you down. I will pull you up. I will pull you up out of the pain that life has created for you. This cruel prison of insecurity. I am going to break you out of it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

And she believed her.


End file.
